Memories
by Shiningmewtwo
Summary: I didn't kill her, it was just a dream. Every day I see her. Why should I fear something that hasn't happened? When does the dream end and reality begin? I know I didn't, that I couldn't, I wouldn't. Yet her screams sound too real. Is it a dream, or a memory?
1. Dreams

Dovefeather followed me slowly into the hollows, he pawsteps crunching on the bright and colorful fallen leaves. I pretended to hear them, but I don't because this is just a dream.

"Where are we going?" She asks me, her voice as beautiful as birdsong. She was so innocent, so trusting.

But I will hear her voice again when I wake up because this is just a dream.

I don't answer though. My tail swishes anxiously without my command, because this is just a dream. The two large rocks mark this place, they rest beside a small sparkling stream. I could probably walk there with my eyes closed, but I'm not there. My claws dig into the ground, my breathing getting heavy.

"I'm sorry," I don't say.

I don't hear her horrifying, high-pitched screams as I don't rip my claws through her throat. I don't feel the cool of the water wash away the blood stains from my not-bloody claws. I don't feel my heart beating with terror and relief, even though I only feel the former in reality.

I awake, automatically holding in a scream of my own. Even though dream cats don't scream. I slowly make my way out of camp, gently maneuvering my way around sleeping cats. My brown fur is ruffled, it too is scared. How silly a thought, to be scared of a dream. That's all it is, not a memory, not me.

"Hi, Oakpelt," Dovefeather purrs in greeting. "Up early again, huh?"

Me and Dovefeather have become distant ever since the dreams. It was my own doing as well; she did not know about the dreams. No one knew, because there is no point in knowing. I would have told the medicine cat, but there was no point. It wasn't because I was scared of what he would say, It was because it was just a dream; and if I keep telling myself that, then maybe the dreams will stop.

_I'm not a murderer. _I assure myself, just for good measure. I have no reason to kill Dovefeather, she is so innocent and kind. She has never done me wrong in any way, and I still long for the times when we were still friends.

"Oakpelt!" A voice calls, startling me out of my thoughts. "Since you two are up so early, you can join me on dawn patrol."

After we gather two more cats, we leave the camp. The grass is mushy, I'll focus my mind on that. I don't look at Dovefeather, though I unconsciously touch her once in a while, to make sure she's still there. Although there is nothing that would ever take her away. As we turn left, my feet start to freeze up. We're going to the place. The place where I (didn't) kill her. The place that was too real to be reality, and yet here it was.

I run. I flee because I am afraid. Of the dream, of the memory, of myself.


	2. Realities

I am afraid of myself. I would never tell my claws to do that, my claws would not, could not, will not, did not, have not...

How can a dream feel to real? Is the dream reality? Is this world fake? Will I wake up any second, in full knowledge that I killed her? That I murdered Dovefeather in cold blood? I know that this is reality, which brings me both relief and terror. A feeling that I have learned to fear.

I crawled beneath my the moss of my bed, thinking. I might have been there for days, or only a few minutes. Was it possible to fear fear? Or even to fear relief? To fear the only escape from the dark forest that I'm living?

The thing that draws me out is hunger. I slowly rise, carefully putting one paw in front of the other, even though no one was sleeping there. Picking up the smell of fresh kill, my stomach growls for my legs to move faster. I pick up a squirrel slowly, making my way to a quiet corner to eat. But I'm interrupted by Longears, the medicine cat.

"Oakpelt, we need to talk," Longears calls me over. Just like my life, there is no escape from him.

Growling softly to myself, I make my way in, lying down on the cold floor. I munch on the prey thoughtfully, he called me here because he was ordered to, I'm sure of it.

"Did Petalstar tell you to do this?" I ask around a mouthful of prey, interrupting whatever he was about to say.

"Y-Yes," He admitted. "But it's only because she's worried about you. I'm worried too, everyone is."

"You have to tell us what's wrong," Longears commanded, staring me down.

I knew he wouldn't accept 'nothing's wrong or 'I'm fine'. He would make me tell the truth, so I did. I described the dream in every detail I could, stressing that this was not me, that I wouldn't do this. When I had finished, he actually laughed at me.

"Oakpelt," Longears chuckled. "It's like you said, it wasn't you."

"It was just a dream."

The phrase was so familiar that I thought it had come from my own head at first.

"You are in control of yourself," He explained. "Just don't kill her."

Just don't kill her. It was so simple, too simple. It was so simple it seemed true, but at the same time didn't ease my fears. Of course, he didn't have to know that. With a thank you and a farewell, I left for the warrior's den. Avoiding the probing questions of my clanmates. Maybe now I could sleep in peace.

No such luck.

It was the same dream, the same routine. The same accursed stream, and the same accursed knowledge of what I was about to do. But I listened a little harder, and I heard myself whisper.

"This is the only escape."

I awoke to her screams with a smile for once. The only escape, that was it! The key. It was the only way out of the cycle. The answer had been there all along. I leaped out of bed with a smile that was far too wide and paws that were far too excited. For once I had a skip in my step. I was free, I would soon be free.

I made my way to Dovefeather, anxiety starting to form in my throat.

"Hi," I meowed awkwardly. "I know things haven't been right between us, so I was hoping we could do something together. To make up for how jumpy I've been."

"What did you have in mind?" She asked tentatively.

"Care for a walk through the forest?"


End file.
